These jokes are about psychic readings, including some actual sessions.
Click the titles to show/hide the answers.
Psychic: "You will find the man of your dreams when you are 23 years old."
Client: "When will I marry him?"
Psychic: "You will marry him when you are 24 years old."
Client: "When will I have children?"
Psychic: "You will start having children in March and at Easter."
Client: "Why March and Easter?"
Psychic: "Well, your husband and you will argue about having children and you’ll be mad as March hares, but then you’ll kiss and make up at Easter, and f*** like bunnies!"
Psychic: "Yes, I see red and pink flowers in your fuschia."
I know," said the psychic, "and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of it."
Biff thought the fee was high, but, eager to be cured, he handed over the money to the psychic. After pocketing the fee, the psychic then pulled out a book of matches and lit one.
Then Biff asked, "What do you call this dark and horrible curse?"
The psychic waved the match down behind Biff and said, "Too much spicy Mexican food."
"Ah…" the woman said as she looked into the depths of her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of three children."
"That’s what you think," said the man scornfully. "I’m the father of two children."
The mysterious psychic grinned and replied, "That’s what you think!"
"The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
The psychic replied, "Yes. I see Three Hundred Dollars in your future."
A week later, the woman received a bill from the psychic hotline for $300.
"About anything," she says.
"Isn’t twenty dollars a lot of money?"
"Not too much. Now what is your last question?"
The psychic told her that a ghost from her past had surfaced, affecting her present. It was a dark entity that surrounded her and she needed to be rid of it at once. Otherwise, she would die a horrible death.
Panic-struck, Britney asked the psychic, "What do I do? Is there anything I can do to prevent it?"
The psychic considered for a moment. "There is one thing…" he said finally.
"Anything!" Britney exclaimed, still quite shaken by the news.
"Firstly," the psychic replied, "you will need to shave all of your hair off, then run through the streets with no clothes on."
"Ok, and will I be rid of the dark entity then?"
"Well," the psychic replied slowly, "no. Not yet, but it’ll sure get you nudist [noticed]!"